Parallel parenting
When every exchange with the other parent turns into a battle, stepping back from each other can protect your kids. Parallel parenting is built for that.
Key takeaways
- Parallel parenting reduces direct parent-to-parent contact so children are exposed to less conflict.
- Each parent makes day-to-day decisions during their own parenting time, while major decisions follow the court order.
- Michigan's Parenting Time Guideline says that when a power imbalance exists, more specific orders can greatly reduce the need for parents to communicate.
- Research on parallel parenting outcomes is still early; a randomized trial of a parallel parenting program was registered but not yet recruiting.
- Where there is abuse or fear, safety planning and legal guidance come before any parenting arrangement.
What parallel parenting is
Picture a Sunday evening exchange in a grocery store parking lot in Flint. In the past, the handoff meant raised voices while the kids stared at the floor. Now one parent waves from the car, the children walk over with their backpacks, and the only words exchanged happened earlier, in two lines on a co-parenting app. It is not warm. It is calm, and the kids can feel the difference.
Parallel parenting is a way for separated parents in high conflict to raise their children side by side rather than together. Each parent runs their own home, routines and rules during their time. Contact between the adults is kept to the minimum, usually in writing, and focused only on what the children need.
Parallel parenting vs co-parenting
| Co-parenting | Parallel parenting | |
|---|---|---|
| Communication | Frequent, flexible, may be by phone or in person | Minimal, scheduled, mostly written |
| Daily decisions | Often discussed together | Each parent decides during their own time |
| Shared events | Parents may attend together | Often divided or attended separately |
| Schedule | Can flex by agreement | Detailed and followed closely |
| Best fit | Parents who can cooperate | Parents whose contact reliably sparks conflict |
Cooperative co-parenting is often the ideal. Parallel parenting starts from a different question: if cooperation keeps exploding, what keeps the children out of the blast radius?
Why less contact can be good for kids
A 2018 research review by Gordon Harold and Ruth Sellers concluded that children’s emotional, behavioral and academic outcomes are affected by how parents express and manage conflict, whether parents live together or apart. Parallel parenting aims to shrink the number of moments where children witness that conflict.
The evidence for parallel parenting specifically is still developing. Much of what is known comes from clinical and court experience. A randomized trial of a program called Putting Children First, designed to promote parallel parenting among high-conflict parents in Indiana, has been registered but was listed as not yet recruiting as of October 2026. Treat confident statistics you see online with caution.
How parallel parenting works in practice
The Michigan Parenting Time Guideline, published by the State Court Administrative Office, offers advice that fits this approach, especially where there is a power imbalance between parents. It notes that the more specific an order is, the more it can reduce the need to communicate or negotiate, and suggests provisions such as:
- Clearly defined days, times, holidays, transportation and exchange locations, instead of “reasonable parenting time.”
- A set method for communicating changes, such as e-mail, web-based programs or phone apps.
- Exchanges arranged so parents have no contact, or in a public place with an approved third party.
- A plan for future disputes, such as a parenting coordinator, mediator or Friend of the Court staff.
Keep written messages short, factual and free of commentary. Some parents borrow from the grey rock method to stay neutral when provoked. Questions about custody, decision-making or changing an order belong with a family law attorney.
Common misconceptions
“Parallel parenting means giving up.” It is often a protective choice, and some families later move toward more cooperation once tensions cool.
“It is the same as being a bad co-parent.” It is a deliberate structure, not neglect of communication.
“It solves abuse.” Low contact can reduce conflict, but it does not make an abusive or controlling situation safe. If you see patterns of coercive control, threats or fear, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org, and consider legal protection.
When to talk with a therapist
Parallel parenting asks a lot of your nervous system: not reacting, not defending, not explaining. Individual therapy can help you process the grief and anger that the structure leaves no room for, and family sessions can support children adjusting to two very different homes. If you are earlier in the process, see thinking about divorce.
Common questions
What is the difference between parallel parenting and co-parenting?
Co-parenting involves regular, flexible cooperation between parents, often including shared decisions and joint attendance at events. Parallel parenting minimizes contact: each parent handles day-to-day matters during their own time, communication is brief and usually written, and the schedule is followed closely. It is designed for parents whose direct contact keeps producing conflict.
When is parallel parenting recommended?
It is usually considered when communication between parents reliably escalates, when children are repeatedly exposed to arguments at exchanges, or when one parent feels intimidated by contact. It may be temporary while emotions settle. Where there is abuse, coercion or fear, safety planning and protective legal steps should come first, and a family law attorney can advise on options.
How do you set up a parallel parenting plan?
Most plans spell out the schedule in detail, including holidays, transportation and exchange locations, name one written communication channel, and state how disagreements will be resolved. Michigan's Parenting Time Guideline recommends specific rather than vague orders when there is a power imbalance. An attorney can help translate the plan into a court order.
Is parallel parenting bad for kids?
Not necessarily. Research reviews show that children are affected by parental conflict, so reducing the conflict they see may help. However, outcome studies of parallel parenting itself are limited. What children generally need is predictability, safety, and freedom to love each parent without being pulled into adult disputes.
Sources
- Michigan Parenting Time Guideline, Safety Concerns section (Michigan State Court Administrative Office, updated March 2022)
- Harold GT, Sellers R. Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: an evidence review and practice focused update. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2018;59(4):374-402 (PubMed)
- Promoting Parallel Parenting: Putting Children First During High-Conflict Divorce and Separation, NCT06809153 (ClinicalTrials.gov)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline