Thinking about divorce or a trial separation
If you are unsure whether to stay, separate or divorce, this is a calm space to think it through without anyone deciding for you.
Key takeaways
- Ambivalence about divorce is normal, and partners are often in different places, with one leaning out and one leaning in.
- In one study of divorcing parents, growing apart (55%) and not being able to talk together (53%) were the most common reasons given for divorce.
- A trial separation tends to be more useful when the couple agrees on its length, contact, children, money, other relationships and support.
- Discernment counseling helps couples with mixed agendas choose among three paths: stay as is, separate, or commit to six months of couples therapy.
- If there is violence, threats or fear in the relationship, safety comes before any decision about the marriage.
Picture a Sunday evening. The kids are finally asleep, the dishwasher is humming, and you are sitting in the car in the driveway because it is the only place you can think. You are not sure you want a divorce. You are not sure you don’t. You have started searching things you would never say out loud: “signs your marriage is over,” “trial separation,” “should I get divorced.” If that is where you are, you are not a bad person and you are not failing. You are facing one of the hardest questions an adult can face, and you deserve to answer it with care.
What does “thinking about divorce” really look like?
Very few people move from happily married to certain about divorce in a straight line. Most go back and forth for months or years. Some days the marriage feels finished; other days a good conversation or a shared laugh makes leaving feel unthinkable. Therapists often call this ambivalence, and it is normal.
It is also common for the two partners to be in very different places. One may be “leaning out,” quietly preparing to leave, while the other is “leaning in” and hoping to repair things. That mismatch is one of the most painful parts of this stage, and it is exactly what discernment counseling was designed for.
Signs your marriage may be in serious trouble
No list can tell you whether your marriage is over. These signs suggest that the relationship needs serious attention, not that it is beyond repair:
- You feel more relief than sadness when your partner is away
- Contempt, mockery or disgust has replaced frustration
- You have stopped bringing up problems because “what’s the point”
- You are imagining a life without your partner in detail, and it feels like hope
- One or both of you have emotionally or physically turned to someone else
- You are staying mainly for the kids, money or fear of what others will think
Some reasons to leave are clearer. If there is violence, threats, coercion or ongoing fear, your safety comes first (see the safety note below).
Why couples get here
In a study of 886 divorcing parents in Minnesota, the most common reasons given for divorce were “growing apart” (55%) and “not able to talk together” (53%). Others named reasons such as money problems, infidelity and abuse. Many marriages reach this point through long, quiet erosion: years of unresolved arguments, parallel lives, a loss of friendship. Sometimes there is a sudden event, such as an affair, that brings long-ignored problems into the open.
Is my marriage worth saving? Questions to sit with
People sometimes search for a “should I get a divorce quiz,” hoping for a clear answer. No quiz can know your marriage. Questions like these may help more, ideally written down and returned to over several weeks:
- If the biggest problem changed, would I want to stay?
- Have we ever had real help, or have we only tried on our own?
- What part have I played in where we are, and what could I change regardless of my partner?
- Do I still feel any curiosity, respect or warmth toward my partner, even buried?
- Am I trying to leave the marriage, or trying to leave the pain?
- Am I safe?
What is a trial separation?
A trial separation is a planned, time-limited period of living apart (or apart within the same home) to get clarity, calm conflict or test what life feels like separately. It can be a step toward reconciliation or toward divorce, and couples are not always honest with themselves about which they are hoping for.
When a trial separation helps, it is usually because it has clear agreements. Couples who use one often decide together on:
| Topic | Questions to agree on |
|---|---|
| Length | How long, and when will we check in about next steps? |
| Contact | How often will we talk or see each other, and about what? |
| Children | What will we tell them, and how will parenting time work? |
| Money | Who pays which bills? How will shared accounts be handled? |
| Other relationships | Are we free to date, or not? |
| Support | Will we each, or together, see a therapist during this time? |
A separation can have legal and financial consequences, so it is wise to talk with a Michigan family law attorney before making formal arrangements. This page is not legal advice.
What people commonly try
- Waiting for certainty. Months or years can pass while nothing changes.
- Announcing a decision in a fight. Saying “I want a divorce” in anger, then taking it back, can damage trust either way.
- Couples therapy with one foot out the door. When one partner has mostly decided to leave, traditional couples therapy can stall, because only one person is really working on the marriage.
- Asking friends to decide. Their love is real, but they only know one side.
What may help
Discernment counseling is a brief, structured process developed by the Doherty Relationship Institute for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other wants to try. Its goal is not to fix the marriage but to help each person reach clarity about one of three paths: stay as things are, move toward separation or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table.
Couples therapy may fit when both partners are willing to work on the relationship, even if one is skeptical. If you are wondering whether it is worth it, our answer on whether couples therapy works walks through the research.
Individual therapy can help you sort out your own feelings, grief and next steps, whatever you decide.
When therapy may be useful
Right now, if you are reading this page. You do not have to know what you want to talk to someone. Iryna describes therapy as a place to explore difficulties and discover new ways to move forward, honoring your story rather than steering you toward a particular outcome. If you would like to talk about which kind of support fits your situation, you can request an appointment.
A note on safety. If you feel afraid of your partner, if there is hitting, threats, forced sex, or controlling behavior such as tracking your phone, limiting your money or cutting you off from friends, that is not a communication problem. Couples therapy is generally not recommended while there is ongoing violence or fear, because honest conversation in the room can increase risk at home. Individual support comes first. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org, and if you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
Related methods and concepts
Discernment counseling, the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy each approach this stage differently. Helpful concepts include the four horsemen (especially contempt), the demand-withdraw pattern and differentiation of self, the ability to stay clear about your own wants while staying connected.
One next step for today: write down your honest answer to just one of the six questions above, then put it away for a week. Notice whether your answer stays the same.
Common questions
How do you know if your marriage is over?
There is no single sign, and no article or quiz can decide for you. Persistent contempt, feeling relief when your partner is away, giving up on raising problems, and imagining a separate life with hope are signs the relationship needs serious attention. Many couples who felt this way have rebuilt their marriage, while others decide to part. Reflection and support can help you tell which path is yours.
Is a trial separation a good idea?
It can be for some couples, particularly when conflict is intense and space may help both people think more clearly. It tends to work better when it has a clear time frame, agreements about contact, children and money, and some form of support such as therapy. Without structure, a separation can drift into a divorce that neither partner fully chose. A family law attorney can explain the legal side.
Should I get divorced or try counseling first?
Only you can decide, but many people find it helpful to know they truly tried before ending a marriage. If both partners are open to working on the relationship, couples therapy may help. If one partner is leaning out and the other wants to try, discernment counseling is designed for that mix. If there is violence or fear in the relationship, prioritize safety and individual support first.
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short, structured process developed by the Doherty Relationship Institute for couples where one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to save the marriage. It does not try to fix the relationship. Instead, it helps each person get clarity and choose one of three paths: keep things as they are, move toward separation or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy.
When is it time to give up on marriage counseling?
There is no fixed rule. It may be worth pausing to reassess if one partner is no longer participating, if there is ongoing violence or fear, or if sessions have repeated the same impasse for a long time without change. Talking openly with your therapist about your doubts is often the best next step, since a change of focus, format or approach can sometimes help.