Marriage and relationship problems

Imagine the drive home from a friend’s wedding up north. The music is off. You are both quiet, and the quiet is not the comfortable kind. Somewhere between the toasts and the long dark stretch of highway, one of you thought, “We used to be like that.” Maybe nothing dramatic has happened. Maybe something very dramatic has. Either way, you typed “marriage problems” into a search bar, and that took some courage. Let’s sort out what is going on and where to start.

What counts as relationship problems?

Every couple has disagreements and hard seasons. Relationship problems become worth attention when the same pain keeps returning, when you feel more alone together than apart, or when you are starting to wonder whether this can get better. They are not proof that you chose the wrong person. More often, they are signs that a pattern has formed that neither of you chose on purpose.

It also helps to know that some differences never fully go away. The Gottman Institute reports that, based on its research, 69% of relationship problems are perpetual, rooted in lasting differences in personality or needs. The goal with those is not to solve them but to learn to talk about them without wounding each other.

Common marriage problems and where to read more

Most marriage problems fall into a handful of patterns, and many couples recognize more than one. Use this as a map:

Signs your relationship may need attention

• The same argument repeats with the same ending
• Criticism, eye-rolling or sarcasm have become routine (the Gottman Institute names contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research)
• One of you shuts down or leaves the room during hard conversations
• You avoid being alone together, or fill every moment with kids, screens or work
• Affection, humor and curiosity about each other have faded
• You are confiding in friends, or someone else, more than in each other

What usually drives marriage problems

When researchers asked 886 divorcing parents in Minnesota why they were divorcing, the two most common reasons were “growing apart” (55%) and “not able to talk together” (53%). Those are not dramatic, headline reasons. They are slow ones, which is hopeful in a way, because slow drifts can often be noticed and reversed earlier.

Other common contributors include stress from outside the marriage (money, jobs, health, caregiving), big transitions such as a new baby or an empty nest, differences in how each partner handles conflict, unhealed hurts, and individual struggles like depression or anxiety that ripple into the relationship. In Michigan, long winters and shift work can quietly shrink the time couples actually spend together, and it is worth naming that out loud.

What couples commonly try

• Waiting for things to calm down. Sometimes they do. Often the pattern stays and the distance grows.
• Date nights without repair. Lovely, but if the underlying hurt is never discussed, the evening can feel hollow.
• Self-help books read by one partner. Helpful for insight; frustrating if they become a tool for pointing out the other person’s flaws.
• Venting to friends and family. Support matters, but it can harden sides.

How to save a marriage: practical first steps

There is no single formula, and no outside source can tell you whether your marriage should be saved. If you both want to try, these steps tend to help:

1. Name the pattern, not the villain. “We get into a loop where I push and you pull away” invites teamwork. “You always…” invites defense.
2. Soften how you start hard conversations. Begin with a feeling and a request, not a criticism.
3. Take real breaks when things heat up. Agree on a signal, step away for about 20 minutes to calm down, then come back.
4. Turn toward small moments. A question about their day, a hand on a shoulder, laughing at the same joke. Connection is rebuilt in minutes, not marathons.
5. Protect one ritual. A Sunday walk, morning coffee, a weekly check-in. Small and consistent beats big and rare.
6. Get outside help before resentment hardens. Many couples wait years. Earlier tends to be easier.

When therapy may be useful

Couples therapy is not only for marriages on the brink. A research review of couple therapy found that it helps about 70% of couples who receive it, with effects comparable to individual therapy and much better than no treatment. Results vary, and no one can promise yours, but it is a reason not to wait for things to get worse.

If both of you are open to working on it, marriage counseling can give you a structured place to slow down the patterns above. If only one of you is, that is common too, and individual sessions or a decision-focused process can still help. Iryna’s aim is to help couples look at the patterns shaping their relationship and work toward stronger connection. You can request an appointment to talk about where to begin.

A note on safety. If you feel afraid of your partner, if there is hitting, threats, forced sex, or controlling behavior such as tracking your phone, limiting your money or cutting you off from friends, that is not a communication problem. Couples therapy is generally not recommended while there is ongoing violence or fear, because honest conversation in the room can increase risk at home. Individual support comes first. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org, and if you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

Related methods and concepts

The Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy are two of the most widely studied approaches to couples work. Helpful concepts to explore include the four horsemen, stonewalling, emotional flooding and repair attempts, which together explain a lot of what goes wrong, and right, in hard conversations.

One next step for today: look at the table above and each pick the row that feels most true. Compare answers over coffee, without debating them. Just knowing where each of you would start is a real beginning.