Self-soothing
Self-soothing is not shutting your partner out. It is learning to settle your own storm so you can come back and stay connected. Here is how.
Key takeaways
- Self-soothing means bringing your own distress down, through the body and the mind, so you can think and connect again.
- The Gottman Institute recommends physiological self-soothing during breaks from conflict as an antidote to stonewalling.
- Gottman and Levenson's research linked couples' physiological arousal during conflict with how their relationships fared over time.
- Psychologist David Schnarch argued in Passionate Marriage that soothing your own anxiety, rather than demanding your partner change to calm you, is central to a mature, intimate relationship.
- Self-soothing grows out of early co-regulation and complements it in adult relationships.
What does self-soothing mean?
Imagine your partner says, mid-conversation, “I think we need to talk about how much you’re spending.” Your chest tightens. You feel the familiar urge to fire back or storm out. Instead you say, “I want to talk about this. Give me fifteen minutes.” You step onto the porch, feel the cold air, breathe out long and slow, and remind yourself that this is a conversation, not a verdict. When you come back, you can actually listen.
That is self-soothing: the capacity to calm your own nervous system and emotions when you are upset. It is a skill, not a personality trait, and it can be learned at any age.
Where the idea comes from
Developmental roots. Babies first experience calm through caregivers who rock, feed and comfort them. Over time, children internalize that comfort and gradually learn to settle themselves. In other words, self-soothing grows out of co-regulation.
Gottman’s physiological self-soothing. John Gottman and Robert Levenson measured couples’ heart rates and other physiology during conflict and found links between arousal and how relationships fared over time. The Gottman Institute now teaches physiological self-soothing as the antidote to stonewalling: when you notice you are overwhelmed, pause, and spend the break calming your body instead of rehearsing the argument. Being in that overwhelmed state is described in our entry on emotional flooding.
Schnarch’s self-soothing. In Passionate Marriage (1997), psychologist David Schnarch put self-soothing at the center of his view of intimacy. Drawing on Murray Bowen’s differentiation of self, he argued that partners often demand that the other change so they can feel calm, and that real intimacy becomes possible when each person can quiet their own anxiety, stay in the room and tolerate the discomfort of honest conversation.
Self soothing techniques for adults
| Body-based | Mind-based |
|---|---|
| Long, slow exhales (longer out than in) | Naming the feeling: “This is fear, and it will pass” |
| Cold water on the face or hands | Replacing “they always” thoughts with “right now, this happened” |
| A short walk, even around the block | Recalling a moment your partner showed care |
| Relaxing your jaw, shoulders and hands | Reminding yourself of your own values for the conversation |
| Music, stretching or a warm drink | Kind self-talk, as you would speak to a friend |
Experiment to find what works for you. Many people find that body-based tools work fastest when distress is high.
Self-soothing in a relationship
Couples often worry that self-soothing means going it alone. It does not. The goal is to bring your own intensity down enough to reconnect. It differs from withdrawal because you tell your partner what you are doing and you come back. In practice, healthy couples move between self-soothing and comforting each other.
Common misconceptions
“Self-soothing is avoidance.” Avoidance is leaving and not returning. Self-soothing is stepping back in order to return.
“If my partner loved me, they’d calm me down.” Comfort from a partner is valuable, but no one can be available every moment. Being able to settle yourself takes pressure off both of you.
“Distraction is the same thing.” Scrolling may numb, not soothe. Notice whether you feel steadier afterward.
When talking with a therapist may help
If you find you cannot calm down once conflict starts, or you shut down for hours or days, a therapist can help you learn your early warning signs and practice soothing in real time. In couples therapy, partners can build this skill together, and ideas from the Gottman Method often feature it. Iryna works with individuals and couples online anywhere in Michigan.
Common questions
What are self-soothing techniques for adults?
Helpful techniques include slow breathing with longer exhales, splashing cold water on your face, walking, stretching, listening to calming music, relaxing tense muscles and kind self-talk. Mind-based tools, like naming the feeling or recalling a reassuring memory, can also help. Body-based techniques often work fastest when you feel very upset.
Is self-soothing the same as stonewalling?
No. Stonewalling is shutting down or withdrawing from a conversation without explanation, often for long periods. Self-soothing involves telling your partner you need a short break, calming yourself during that time and then returning to the conversation. The Gottman Institute describes self-soothing as the antidote to stonewalling.
What did David Schnarch mean by self-soothing?
In Passionate Marriage, Schnarch described self-soothing as the ability to calm your own anxiety and hurt without requiring your partner to change or reassure you first. He saw it as central to differentiation, the ability to stay yourself while staying connected, which he believed makes deeper intimacy and honest conversation possible.
How do babies learn to self-soothe?
Babies first rely on caregivers to calm them through holding, rocking, feeding and soothing voices. Through many repetitions of this co-regulation, they gradually develop their own ability to settle. The pace varies widely between children, and pediatricians can offer guidance on age-appropriate expectations.
Sources
- Weekend Homework Assignment: Physiological Self-Soothing (The Gottman Institute)
- Gottman JM, Levenson RW. Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1992;63(2):221-233 (PubMed)
- Schnarch D. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (W. W. Norton)
- Differentiation of Self (The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family)