The 36 questions (Aron)

Where the 36 questions came from

In the 1990s, psychologists Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron and colleagues wanted a reliable way to create a feeling of closeness between strangers in a lab, so they could study relationships without waiting years for them to form. Their 1997 paper in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin described a procedure: pairs of unacquainted people took turns answering 36 questions arranged in three sets, each set more personal than the last, over about 45 minutes.

Early questions are light, such as whether you would like to be famous and what would make a “perfect” day. Later ones ask about treasured memories, regrets, and what you value most in friendship. The final set invites partners to say what they appreciate about each other and to share personal struggles.

Do the 36 questions work?

For their stated purpose, yes. In the original study, pairs who worked through the closeness questions reported feeling significantly closer afterward than pairs who answered small-talk prompts. Interestingly, follow-up experiments in the same paper found that matching people on shared attitudes, or telling them they would like each other, did not change the effect much.

What the study did not do is test whether strangers fall in love. The authors were interested in a temporary sense of closeness that could be studied, not in lasting commitment. The love framing arrived in 2015, when a widely shared New York Times Modern Love essay described trying the questions on a date. The list went viral, and “36 questions to fall in love” became its popular name.

Why gradual self-disclosure builds closeness

The design reflects a well-studied idea: closeness grows when people take turns revealing a little more of themselves and feel understood in return. The questions escalate slowly, which keeps the risk manageable. Each answer is met by the other person’s answer, so neither partner is left exposed alone. That rhythm of reciprocal vulnerability and responsiveness is at the heart of emotional intimacy.

Using the questions as a long-term couple

Many couples assume they already know each other’s answers. Often they don’t. Picture two people married fifteen years, sitting at the kitchen table on a snowy evening, surprised to learn what each now considers their most treasured memory. Partners change, and curiosity tends to fade under schedules and logistics. Working through the questions can help update what the Gottman Institute calls love maps, the mental picture you hold of your partner’s inner world.

• Choose a calm time without screens or interruptions.
• Go one set per evening if 45 minutes feels like a lot.
• Take turns answering, and resist debating or correcting each other.
• Skip any question that feels too raw for now and return to it later.

Common misconceptions

“If the questions don’t create sparks, we’re not compatible.” The study measured closeness in one sitting, not chemistry or long-term fit.

“They’re a shortcut to intimacy.” They can open a door, but lasting intimacy is built through many ordinary moments of responsiveness.

When to talk with a therapist

For some couples, even the gentle questions stir up hurt or reveal how far apart they have drifted. That is useful information, not failure. If personal conversations keep turning into arguments or silence, couples therapy can provide a safer structure, especially when emotional distance has built up over years. Iryna Morhunova-Sutton, LLMFT, meets with Michigan couples by secure video.