Bids for connection
Small comments, sighs and shared jokes can be quiet invitations to connect. Here is how to notice them and why responding matters.
Key takeaways
- A bid for connection is any attempt to get a partner's attention, affirmation, affection or positive connection, and most bids are small.
- Partners can turn toward, turn away from or turn against a bid; the Gottman Institute describes turning away as especially damaging.
- In a Gottman study of newlyweds followed for six years, couples still married had turned toward bids 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who divorced.
- No couple catches every bid, and patterns over time matter more than single moments.
- Turning toward can be brief, such as eye contact, a short reply or saying when you will be available.
What a bid for connection looks like
Picture a weeknight kitchen. One partner is scrolling the news while the pasta water boils. The other glances out the window and says, “Look, the first snow.” It is a small sentence. But underneath it is a quieter question: Will you look with me?
John Gottman calls moments like this bids for connection. A bid is any attempt to get a partner’s attention, affirmation, affection or other positive connection. Bids can be as simple as a smile, a sigh or a shared meme, or as layered as asking for advice about a difficult boss. They often carry subtext, so the words on the surface are only part of the message.
Three ways partners respond
Gottman describes three basic responses to a bid:
| Response | What it looks like | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Turning toward | Noticing and engaging, even briefly | “Oh wow, it’s really coming down. Remember last year’s storm?” |
| Turning away | Missing or ignoring the bid | Keeps scrolling, says nothing. |
| Turning against | Responding with irritation or hostility | “I’m reading. Can you not?” |
According to the Gottman Institute, turning away can be even more damaging than turning against, because it leaves the person who made the bid with nothing to respond to. Over time, people whose bids are missed may make fewer of them.
What the research found
The Gottman Institute describes a study of newlywed couples followed up six years later. Couples who were still married had turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. Couples who had divorced averaged 33%. A related study by Janice Driver and John Gottman observed 49 newlywed couples during a dinnertime conversation and a conflict discussion. It found that everyday playfulness and enthusiasm were connected to more humor and affection during conflict, though the authors noted the findings were correlational.
The takeaway is not that every bid must be caught. It is that small, ordinary moments seem to add up to something larger.
How bids show up in relationships
- “Did you see what your sister posted?” may be a bid for shared laughter.
- A long sigh after work may be a bid for comfort.
- “Want to walk the dog with me?” may be a bid for time together.
- A hand on a shoulder while passing may be a bid for affection.
When bids go unanswered for months or years, couples often describe it as feeling like roommates. That slow drift is one path toward emotional distance and, for some, toward intimacy problems.
Common misconceptions
“Bids are only about big conversations.” Most bids are tiny. That is exactly why they are easy to miss.
“If I turn away once, I’ve failed.” No relationship catches every bid. Busy schedules, kids and fatigue all get in the way. Patterns matter more than single moments.
“My partner never makes bids.” Bids vary in style. Some people bid through humor, acts of service or questions about logistics. Learning your partner’s style can reveal bids you have been missing.
What may help
- Look for the subtext. Ask yourself, “What might my partner be reaching for right now?”
- Turn toward in small ways. Eye contact, a short reply or a touch counts.
- Say when you can’t. “I want to hear this. Give me five minutes to finish this email” still turns toward.
- Make your bids clearer. If hints keep missing, try direct requests: “I’d love a hug.”
Relevance in therapy
Bids are a central idea in the Gottman Method, and many couples therapists use the language to help partners notice small moments of reaching. In couples therapy, partners can explore what their bids look like, what gets in the way of turning toward, and how missed bids have shaped the relationship. Turning toward each other is also part of what makes repair attempts work during conflict. If you have been feeling unseen in small ways, a conversation with a therapist may help you both find each other again.
Common questions
What are examples of bids for connection?
Examples include pointing out something interesting ("Look at that sunset"), sharing a story from your day, sighing after a hard meeting, sending a funny video, asking for help with a decision or reaching for a partner's hand. Each one is an invitation to engage. The words may be ordinary, but the underlying message is often "Will you be with me in this moment?"
What does turning toward mean?
Turning toward means noticing a partner's bid and responding with interest or warmth, even briefly. It can be a nod, a question, a laugh or a touch. If you cannot engage right away, telling your partner when you can ("Give me five minutes") is still a way of turning toward rather than ignoring the bid.
What happens when bids for connection are ignored?
According to the Gottman Institute, when bids are repeatedly missed, people tend to make fewer of them over time, and some may look for connection elsewhere. Partners often describe the result as feeling lonely or like roommates. Occasional missed bids are normal; a consistent pattern is more likely to create distance.
How can I make my bids for connection clearer?
If hints keep getting missed, try making bids more direct and specific: "Can you sit with me for a few minutes?" or "I'd love your opinion on this." It can also help to talk with your partner, at a calm time, about the ways each of you tends to reach out, since bidding styles differ.