Splitting the holidays between families: how couples can decide together

A text arrives on a Tuesday night in late October: one partner’s mother wants to know what time to expect you for Thanksgiving. Ten minutes later, the other partner’s sister posts in the family thread about Christmas Eve “like always.” (This scenario is an invented example, not real people or clients.) Nobody has agreed to anything yet, but both of you can already feel the next conversation coming: whose family gets which day, who makes the disappointing phone call, and why this seems to come up every single year.

Deciding where to spend the holidays is a common source of tension for couples, and it is rarely just about a calendar. This post looks at why splitting the holidays between families can feel so loaded, what Michigan-based research says about couples and in-laws, and some practical ways to plan this season so the two of you are making the decision together rather than having it made for you.

Why does splitting the holidays feel so loaded?

In 2026, Thanksgiving falls on Thursday, November 26, and Christmas Day on Friday, December 25, according to the U.S. Office of Personnel Management’s federal holiday schedule. That leaves about a month between them, and invitations and travel plans often start well before November.

Holiday stress is widespread. In a poll of 2,203 U.S. adults conducted by Morning Consult on November 4 and 5, 2025, for the American Psychiatric Association, 41% said they expected more stress related to the holidays than the year before. Nearly one in three (32%) said they were worried about dealing with challenging family dynamics. At the same time, when people chose what they were most looking forward to, seeing family and friends topped the list at 61%. That mix is often what makes the season hard: the people we most want to see are also the people whose expectations we are trying to balance.

For couples, a few things tend to sit underneath the scheduling question:

• Loyalty. Saying no to your own parents can feel like a betrayal, while saying no to your partner’s parents can feel like a rejection of your partner.
• Tradition. Each of you grew up with a version of the holidays that feels like the “right” one, and you may not have noticed how different they are until now. Some partners also grew up observing different religious or cultural holidays altogether.
• Fairness. One family may live closer, host bigger gatherings or simply ask louder, and the partner from the quieter side can start keeping score.
• Logistics. Distance, work schedules, children’s routines and money all narrow the options before anyone’s feelings come into it.

None of these makes a disagreement a sign that something is wrong between you. They are simply the ingredients that make this a real negotiation.

What does research say about couples and in-laws?

A long-running Michigan study offers some clues. The Early Years of Marriage Project followed 373 couples who applied for marriage licenses in Wayne County between April and June 1986, interviewing husbands and wives at several points over the first 16 years of their marriages. The sample included 199 Black American couples and 174 White American couples. All were different-sex, same-race couples entering a first marriage, and the wives were under 35.

In a 2013 analysis published in Family Relations, Terri Orbuch and colleagues found that how close spouses felt to their in-laws in the first year of marriage was linked with the odds of divorce over the following 16 years, but the pattern depended on race and gender. For husbands, the odds of divorce fell by about 20% for each step closer a husband said he felt to his in-laws, after accounting for education and income. For wives, the result differed by race. Among White American couples, the odds of divorce were higher the closer wives felt to their in-laws, while among Black American couples the odds were lower. The authors suggest that for some couples, close in-law ties may feel like interference with building their own bond, while for others they may be a source of support, and they caution that “one-size-fits-all” approaches to exploring the role of in-laws are likely to be inadequate.

A later analysis of the same study’s couples, published in Research in Human Development by Katherine Fiori and colleagues, asked whether husbands and wives even saw their family ties the same way. Often they did not. In the first year of marriage, 42% of couples disagreed about the balance of time they spent with each family, and 58% disagreed about whose family they would call on for advice or help. Disagreeing about time with each family did not clearly predict divorce. What stood out was disagreement about how close the husband was to the wife’s family: that mismatch predicted divorce even after accounting for how close each spouse said they were. As the authors put it, whether the husband is close to the wife’s family “seems less important than whether or not the spouses agree” about it.

These studies followed couples who married in the 1980s in one Michigan county, they included only Black and White different-sex couples in first marriages, and they show associations rather than causes. Their findings may not apply to same-sex, unmarried or remarried couples, and they cannot tell any one couple what will happen to them. What they do suggest is that partners often see their family ties differently, and that those differences may be worth talking about openly.

How can couples decide where to spend the holidays?

There is no single formula that works for every couple, and the right answer may change as your family changes. A few approaches couples often try:

1. Alternate years. One family gets Thanksgiving this year and the other gets it next year, with the winter holidays flipped. This is simple to explain and easy to track, though it can mean missing a big gathering every other year.
2. Split the holiday itself. Lunch with one family and dinner with the other, or Christmas Eve on one side and Christmas Day on the other. This tends to work best when families live close together, and it can turn the day into a long drive if they do not.
3. Divide by holiday. Some couples keep one holiday with each side every year, especially when one family cares much more about a particular day.
4. Host. Inviting both families to your home can take the travel out of it, though it adds cooking, cleaning and the job of being the host when everyone is under one roof.
5. Start something of your own. Some couples, especially once they have children, keep one day just for their own household and visit relatives on the days around it.

In practice, the conversation that leads to a choice can matter as much as the choice itself. A few questions to talk through together, ideally before the invitations pile up:

• What matters most to each of us? Try naming one or two traditions you would really miss, rather than defending your whole family’s schedule. “I care about being at my grandmother’s on Christmas Eve” is easier to work with than “We always go to my family’s.”
• Do we see the last few years the same way? Given how often couples in the Wayne County study saw their family ties differently, it may help to say plainly how past holidays have felt to each of you. One partner may think things have been even, while the other has felt like a guest at the other side’s celebrations for years.
• What are our real limits? Talk about distance, money, work, children’s sleep and how much time each of you can spend with family before you run out of patience.
• Is this plan for this year or for good? Agreeing that a plan is for one season can make it easier to try something new and adjust later.

If the talk heats up, it can help to pause and come back to it. Holiday plans touch old family patterns, and it is often easier to listen once you both feel calmer.

How do you tell your families about your holiday plans?

Once you have agreed on a plan, many couples find it works better to present it as a shared decision rather than leaving one partner to carry the bad news. Many also find it easier for each partner to talk with their own family. You know your parents’ sensitivities best, and it keeps your partner from being cast as the person who is keeping you away.

Some ideas that may help:

• Use “we” language. “We’ve decided to spend Thanksgiving with Sam’s family this year, and we’d love to come to you on the Saturday after” sends a different message than “Sam wants to go to their parents’ house.”
• Lead with what you are offering. A visit on another day, a video call during dinner or a specific plan for next year can soften a no.
• Keep it short and kind. You do not have to justify your plan at length. Long explanations can invite debate.
• Expect some disappointment. A parent being sad is not the same as you doing something wrong. You can acknowledge their feelings without reopening the decision.

Holding a decision as a couple is a form of setting boundaries, and boundaries often go more smoothly when they are stated clearly and kept consistently. If you notice a parent coming to you to complain about your partner, or your partner relaying their family’s frustration through you, that is a pattern family therapists call triangulation, and it is usually more helpful to bring the conversation back to the two people it concerns.

What if you are co-parenting after a separation?

For parents who live apart, holiday plans may already be part of a court order, and the stakes for children can feel higher. The State Court Administrative Office’s Michigan Parenting Time Guideline says parents may choose to alternate, share or split holidays. Whatever a family decides, the guideline suggests writing the agreement down, being as specific as possible, and including it in the court order. It also notes that the holiday schedule should be followed even if a holiday falls on the other parent’s usual time.

The guideline encourages parents to consider each parent’s practices when deciding which holidays to alternate, and to include a complete list of the holidays each would like considered. It gives the example of one extended family that holds an important gathering on a certain holiday every year when that same day matters less to the other parent, and it notes that parents may request time on days important to their religious or cultural practices. It also says holiday parenting time might factor into a child support calculation once an order is in place, and that when counting overnights, many parents find it helpful to map out a full year on a calendar.

The guideline describes itself as a tool, not the law; your court order is what governs. It also includes a separate section on safety concerns for families where safety is an issue. Your county Friend of the Court office can explain procedures and options for resolving disagreements, and for legal advice you can talk with a family law attorney or Michigan Legal Help. Our page on co-parenting covers the broader picture.

What if the holidays also bring grief or loneliness?

Sometimes the hardest part of planning the holidays is not which family to visit but who will not be there. In the same 2025 poll, 48% of adults said they were worried about missing someone or grief, and 31% said they were worried about being lonely. A first holiday after a death, a divorce or a move can make every scheduling decision feel heavier.

If that is part of your season, it may help to say so out loud with your partner or family, and to plan with it in mind. That might mean keeping one familiar tradition, letting go of another for this year, or building in quiet time between gatherings. For holiday stress more generally, the National Institute of Mental Health lists steps such as keeping a regular sleep routine and leaning on friends or relatives who make coping easier.

Could talking with a therapist help you plan the holidays?

For many couples, a clear conversation and a plan are enough. For others, the same argument returns every year, or the disagreement is really about something bigger: how much say each family has in your life, whether one partner feels second to the other’s parents, or old hurts that resurface each time everyone is together. NIMH notes that when stress or anxiety won’t let up, or you are finding it hard to cope, speaking with a professional may be worth considering.

Couples therapy may give partners space to slow these conversations down and hear what each tradition, and each family, means to the other. The Wayne County researchers suggested that in-law relationships are worth exploring with couples whatever brings them in, and engaged or newly married couples sometimes use premarital counseling to talk through in-law expectations before their first holiday season together.

Iryna Morhunova-Sutton, LLMFT, works online with clients who are located in Michigan. If planning the holidays has brought up more than a scheduling problem, you are welcome to use the appointment request form whenever it feels right; there is no obligation. And if you are ever in crisis, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available around the clock by call or text at 988.