Emotional validation
Validation is not agreeing or fixing. It is letting someone know their feelings make sense. Here is how it works and what invalidation looks like.
Key takeaways
- Validation communicates that a feeling makes sense; it does not require agreeing with the other person's view or approving of their actions.
- Invalidation includes dismissing ('It's not a big deal'), judging ('You're too sensitive'), and rushing to fix or cheer someone up.
- In a 2011 experiment, invalidated participants showed rising heart rate, skin conductance and negative affect, while validated participants did not show the same increases.
- Validation is a core skill in Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavior therapy, where invalidating environments are seen as one contributor to emotional struggles.
- Simple validating phrases include 'That makes sense' and 'I can see why that hurt,' followed by curiosity rather than correction.
What is invalidation?
Picture this: you come home after a dreadful parent-teacher conference, and before you can finish the story, your partner says, “Honestly, I think you’re overreacting. Teachers say that stuff all the time.” Maybe they are trying to help. But the effect is that your feelings just got graded and failed.
That is emotional invalidation: responding to someone’s feelings in a way that dismisses, judges or corrects them. It can be blunt (“You’re too sensitive”) or subtle, like changing the subject, jumping straight to solutions or offering a bright side too soon. Validation is the reverse. It sends the message, “Your feelings make sense, and I’m here.”
Validation versus invalidation
| Invalidating | Validating |
|---|---|
| “It’s not a big deal.” | “That sounds really stressful.” |
| “You shouldn’t feel that way.” | “I can see why you’d feel that way.” |
| “At least it wasn’t worse.” | “That was a lot to deal with.” |
| “Here’s what you should do.” | “Do you want ideas, or mostly to vent?” |
| Eye roll, checking your phone. | Turning toward, making eye contact. |
Where the idea comes from
Validation is central to dialectical behavior therapy, developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan at the University of Washington. DBT pairs acceptance with change, and validation is the acceptance side: therapists communicate that a client’s responses make sense before working on new skills. Linehan’s model also proposes that growing up in an invalidating environment can make it harder to learn to regulate emotions, which connects to concepts like childhood emotional neglect. The acceptance theme continues in skills such as radical acceptance.
What the research found
In a 2011 experiment by Chad Shenk and Alan Fruzzetti, participants did a stressful task and then received either validating or invalidating responses. Those who were invalidated showed rising negative feelings, heart rate and skin conductance over time. Those who were validated did not show the same rise in negative feelings, and their heart rate dropped. The sample was college students in a lab, so it cannot tell us everything about marriages. Still, it supports a simple idea: being understood seems to help people settle.
Validation is not agreement
This is the misunderstanding that keeps many partners from validating. You can say, “I can see why my comment at dinner felt embarrassing,” and still believe you did not mean it that way. Validating the feeling first often makes it easier for your partner to hear your side later. What you validate is the emotion and the reasoning that makes it understandable, not every conclusion or action.
How to validate your partner
- Pay attention. Put down what you are doing. Active listening is the delivery system for validation.
- Name what you hear. “You sound disappointed.”
- Make sense of it. “Given how much you prepared, of course that stung.”
- Ask before fixing. “What would help right now?”
- Repair if you missed it. “Earlier I jumped to advice. Can I try that again?”
How invalidation shows up in couples
For many couples, invalidation is not cruelty. It is a habit of fixing, minimizing or defending. Over months, though, a partner who repeatedly feels dismissed may stop sharing, and the relationship can drift toward emotional distance. Validation, by contrast, builds emotional safety, the sense that it is okay to bring your real feelings home.
When to get help
If either of you feels chronically unheard, or if attempts to talk about feelings keep turning into debates about who is right, a therapist can help. Approaches like emotionally focused therapy focus heavily on helping partners understand and respond to each other’s emotions.
Common questions
What is emotional invalidation?
Emotional invalidation is responding to someone's feelings in a way that dismisses, minimizes, judges or corrects them. Examples include 'You're overreacting,' 'Just get over it,' changing the subject or jumping straight to advice. It is often unintentional. Repeated invalidation can leave people feeling unseen and less willing to share how they feel.
Does validating someone mean agreeing with them?
No. Validating means communicating that a person's feelings are understandable given their experience. You can say 'I see why that upset you' and still hold a different opinion about what happened. Many couples find that validating first makes disagreement easier, because each person feels heard before the debate starts.
What are examples of emotional validation?
Examples include 'That makes sense,' 'I'd probably feel the same way,' 'That sounds really hard,' 'I can tell this matters to you' and 'Tell me more.' Nonverbal validation counts too, such as nodding, eye contact and putting your phone down. The key is responding to the feeling before offering solutions or your own view.
Why does invalidation hurt so much?
Feelings are part of how people make sense of their experience, so dismissing them can feel like dismissing the person. In one lab experiment, people who received invalidating responses showed rising heart rate and negative feelings compared with those who were validated. Over time, repeated invalidation can make sharing feel unsafe.
Sources
- Shenk CE, Fruzzetti AE. The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. J Soc Clin Psychol. 2011;30(2):163-183 (Penn State research record)
- UW professor takes new approach to preventing suicide (University of Washington Magazine, on Marsha Linehan and DBT)
- Crowell SE, Beauchaine TP, Linehan MM. A biosocial developmental model of borderline personality: elaborating and extending Linehan's theory. Psychol Bull. 2009;135(3):495-510 (PMC)