Grief during the holidays: how couples and families can make room for loss

Imagine this (a made-up illustration, not real people or clients): it is the first Thanksgiving since a family’s father died. His daughter wants to cook his famous stuffing exactly the way he did, “because that’s what he’d want.” Her brother can’t face the kitchen and suggests ordering takeout this year. Her husband wants to set a photo at his place at the table, while she quietly hopes no one brings him up at all, because she is not sure she can hold it together. Nobody is wrong. But by the time the dishes are done, half the family feels hurt and no one is quite sure why.

The holidays can bring grief to the surface in ways that are hard to predict, and people who are grieving the same person may grieve very differently. This post looks at why grief can feel sharper at this time of year, what research suggests about partners who grieve in different ways, and some ways couples and families in Michigan can plan a season that leaves room for both the loss and the people still at the table.

Why can grief feel heavier during the holidays?

This year, the federal holiday calendar from the U.S. Office of Personnel Management puts Thanksgiving on Thursday, November 26, and Christmas Day on Friday, December 25. For many families, the weeks between are full of rituals that once included the person who died: the same recipes, the same seats, the same stories.

Those reminders matter. The National Cancer Institute’s summary on grief and bereavement describes “grief bursts or pangs,” short periods (20 to 30 minutes) of very intense distress, and notes that they are caused by reminders of the person who died, such as holidays or the anniversary of the death. At other times, it says, they seem to come for no reason. So a hard moment while hanging a familiar ornament or hearing a certain song is not a sign that you are going backward. It may simply be a reminder doing what reminders do.

Worry about grief is also common at this time of year. Ahead of last year’s holidays, nearly half of U.S. adults (48%) told a poll for the American Psychiatric Association (APA) that they were worried about missing someone or grief, even as seeing family and friends topped the list of things people looked forward to. The poll of 2,203 adults was conducted by Morning Consult on November 4 and 5, 2025. That mix can make the season confusing: the gatherings meant to comfort us are also where an empty chair is easiest to notice.

This post focuses on the death of someone close, though much of it may also apply to other losses people grieve at this time of year, such as a divorce, an estrangement or a pregnancy loss.

What is “normal” grief, and when might it be something more?

There is no single right way to grieve. The National Institute on Aging (NIA) puts it simply: “There are no rules about how you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to mourn.” It notes that grief can bring both physical and emotional pain, including trouble sleeping, little interest in food, problems with concentration and a hard time making decisions, and that for most people the intense pain lessens over time, with good days and bad days along the way. The National Cancer Institute adds that for most bereaved people, symptoms lessen between 6 months and 2 years after the loss, while noting that recovery time varies from person to person.

For a smaller group of people, grief-related symptoms persist rather than easing. The APA describes this as prolonged grief disorder, which was added to its diagnostic manual (DSM-5-TR) in March 2022. For adults, the loss must have happened at least a year earlier (at least 6 months for children and adolescents), and the APA estimates that 4% to 15% of bereaved adults will experience its persistent symptoms. Only a qualified professional can assess whether this applies to someone, and this post cannot. It is worth knowing, though, that the APA also says feelings of grief may sometimes increase at different points in time without usually requiring mental health treatment. A hard first Christmas is not, by itself, a sign of a disorder.

Why might partners grieve so differently?

One partner wants to talk about the person who died; the other goes quiet and throws themselves into fixing the gutters. One cries at the holiday concert; the other seems fine and then snaps over something small. Differences like these can leave each partner feeling alone, or wondering whether the other one cared as much.

A model from bereavement researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, the dual process model, offers one way to think about this. It describes two kinds of stressors after a loss, which it calls “loss-oriented” and “restoration-oriented”: roughly, facing the loss itself and coping with what it changes. In the model, a grieving person moves back and forth, at times confronting and at other times avoiding the different tasks of grieving, and taking breaks from either kind of stress is treated as an integral part of coping well. The model describes individuals, not couples, but if one partner is drawn to looking at old photos while the other is drawn to keeping the household running, it may be that each is spending time on a different side of the same process.

Research also suggests that how partners see each other’s grief may matter. In a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, Buyukcan-Tetik and colleagues followed 229 heterosexual Dutch couples who had lost a child, with questionnaires 6, 13 and 20 months after the loss. Parents who believed their partner was grieving either less or more intensely than they were reported lower relationship satisfaction than parents who saw their grief levels as similar. This held even after accounting for how similar the partners’ grief levels actually were. Perceiving grief as similar was also linked to higher relationship satisfaction for the other partner.

That study has clear limits. It involved only bereaved parents, only different-sex couples and only couples in one country. Its main finding compared couples at a single point in time, and it shows associations rather than causes. It cannot tell any one couple what will happen to them. One reading of it, though, is that the stories partners tell themselves about each other’s grief (“he’s already over it,” “she can’t let go”) may be worth checking out loud, because the perception itself may matter, apart from any actual difference.

How can couples talk about grief before the holidays arrive?

There is no script that fits every couple, but a few conversations before the invitations and gatherings start may make the season gentler.

1. Ask, rather than assume, how the other is doing. Questions such as “What’s been hardest for you lately?” or “What do you find yourself missing most?” can open a door without demanding a particular answer. Quiet does not always mean someone is fine, and keeping busy does not mean they did not care.
2. Name your different styles without ranking them. “I need to talk about her, and I know you need to keep moving” is a different conversation from “Why won’t you grieve?” Neither style is the correct one.
3. Pick the one or two moments that matter most to each of you. Maybe one of you needs to visit the cemetery, and the other needs to keep a certain dinner exactly as it always was. Planning around a few specific moments may be easier than trying to agree on the whole season.
4. Agree on a signal for leaving early. Some couples settle on a word or a look that means “I need to step out,” along with a promise that the other partner will help make the exit easy, no explanations needed.
5. Check in afterward. A short talk the next morning about what helped and what hurt can make the next gathering easier to plan.

If these conversations keep turning into arguments, or one of you feels that the relationship has become the place where grief goes to hide, it may help to have a neutral person in the room. Couples therapy can offer partners a slower, structured space to hear each other.

How can families plan holiday traditions after a loss?

Families may feel stuck between two options: keep everything exactly the same, or skip the holidays entirely. There is usually a lot of ground in between. Some ideas that may help:

• Keep, change or pause. Go through the usual traditions together and sort each one: keep it as it was, change it this year, or set it aside for now. Making it clear that the decision is for this year only can take some of the pressure off.
• Make room to say the person’s name. The NIA notes that people sometimes hesitate to mention the person who died because they worry it will hurt, but many find it helpful to talk directly about the loss. It also points out that family and friends may be grieving too, and that sharing memories and stories can be one way to help each other. A toast, a favorite recipe made together or a few minutes of stories can give everyone permission to remember out loud.
• Divide the jobs the person used to do. If the person who died always hosted, carved or organized the gift exchange, decide openly who, if anyone, will take that on, rather than leaving one family member to quietly absorb it.
• Plan for different needs in the same house. Some relatives may want to talk all evening; others may need a quiet room or a walk outside. Saying so in advance can keep these differences from turning into hurt feelings.

For the separate question of whose family to visit, see our Journal post on splitting the holidays between families.

How can parents support grieving children at the holidays?

Children often grieve in ways that can surprise adults. The National Cancer Institute notes that children tend to show grief once in a while and for short periods, and that a grieving child “may be sad one minute and playful the next.” It warns that families sometimes take this to mean the child does not understand the loss or has gotten over it quickly, when usually neither is true. Children may also revisit a loss as they get older, especially at important moments in their lives.

The NCI suggests that talking honestly about the death, using correct language, answering questions and including children in rituals may help them cope. At the holidays, that might mean letting a child choose an ornament or a song in memory of the person, or simply telling them it is okay to have fun and to miss someone on the same day.

Where can families find grief support?

Support does not have to mean therapy. The NIA suggests checking with local hospitals, senior centers, nursing homes, religious groups, funeral homes or your doctor to find grief support groups, some of which focus on a specific kind of loss. It also notes that hospice professionals can provide grief counseling, sometimes called bereavement support, to the family of someone who was in their care, and that you can ask hospice workers for bereavement support even if hospice was not used before the death. For older adults who are isolated or have little family nearby, the NIA mentions online support groups and online therapy or counseling as options.

When might talking with a therapist help?

Many people move through grief with the support of family, friends, faith communities or a support group. The NIA suggests reaching out to a support group, a mental health professional or loved ones if sadness is making it difficult to carry on with day-to-day life. Some other situations where a conversation with a professional could be worth considering: grief that keeps leading to the same argument with your partner, a family that cannot talk about the person who died without old conflicts flaring, or a sense that you are holding everyone else together and have no place to put your own grief.

Individual therapy can give you room to grieve at your own pace. Family therapy may help relatives talk about the loss and the changes it brought, including who now does what, without anyone having to referee alone. Therapy cannot take the loss away, and it does not have a set timeline. It may help people feel less alone with it.

Iryna Morhunova-Sutton, LLMFT, offers online sessions for clients located in Michigan, which can be easier to fit into a hard season than a drive to an office. If grief is weighing on your relationship or your family this year, the appointment request form is there whenever you are ready.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.