Gratitude in relationships: what research suggests about thanking your partner this Thanksgiving

This is an invented example, not a real couple or client. It is the Sunday after Thanksgiving. One partner spent two days cooking, cleaning and keeping track of who was bringing what. The other drove four hours round trip to pick up a grandparent, fixed the guest-room bed and washed every dish after dinner. Both are tired, and both are a little hurt. Each of them noticed what they did. Neither is sure the other noticed. Nobody said anything unkind; mostly, nobody said anything at all.

Thanksgiving falls on Thursday, November 26 this year. It is a holiday built around gratitude, yet the person we live with can be the easiest one to forget to thank. This post looks at what research suggests about gratitude in relationships, why feeling appreciated may matter as much as being appreciative, where the evidence has limits, and some small ways couples in Michigan might bring a little more thanks into an ordinary week, during the holidays and after them.

Why might gratitude matter in a relationship?

Researchers who study couples often separate two sides of gratitude: expressed gratitude (being appreciative, or thanking your partner) and perceived gratitude (feeling appreciated by your partner). The difference may matter.

In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Barton and colleagues followed 316 African American couples living in small towns and communities in Georgia, with three waves of data spanning about 16 months. They looked at two common stressors, ineffective arguing and financial strain, and at how each was linked to relationship satisfaction, confidence and instability. Higher levels of perceived gratitude, that is, feeling appreciated by one’s partner, weakened the link between these stressors and worse relationship outcomes. Expressed gratitude did not show the same protective pattern. Over time, the protective link held for ineffective arguing but not for financial strain.

The study has real limits. The couples were taking part in a larger randomized trial of a family-centered prevention program, and the authors note that couples who take part in research together may be functioning better than couples in more distressed relationships. The design was also observational, so it shows associations rather than proof that gratitude caused the difference. Still, one reasonable reading is that gratitude may do much of its work when it actually reaches the other person: a thank-you that stays in your head may not help your partner feel appreciated.

Does your partner know you are grateful?

People may be more grateful than their partners realize. In two studies of romantic couples (205 couples in the first, 309 in the second), Tissera and colleagues found that people generally underestimated their partner’s gratitude. People who saw less gratitude from their partner also tended to report lower relationship satisfaction themselves.

The couples in both studies were mostly younger, dating, heterosexual couples, and the first sample came from a university community, so these findings may not describe every couple. But the pattern is worth pausing on. If you often feel thankful for what your partner does but rarely put it into words, it is possible that your partner is carrying around a quieter, less generous picture of how you see them. Saying it out loud, and saying what specifically you noticed, may be one way to close that gap.

Can a simple plan to say thank you change anything?

Much of the research on gratitude in couples is correlational: it shows that gratitude and good relationship outcomes tend to go together, without showing which comes first. One experiment tried to test a small change directly.

In a 5-week study published in Scientific Reports, Chang, Algoe and colleagues enrolled 136 couples (125 completed all five weeks) who filled in nightly reports about their relationship. After the first two weeks, couples were randomly assigned so that in half of them, one partner made a brief, private “if-then” plan to express gratitude to their partner more often in the following weeks; the other couples served as a control group. Compared with the control couples, couples in the gratitude-plan group reported spending more time in each other’s physical presence in the three weeks after the plan than in the two weeks before it. The researchers estimated an average daily increase of 68 minutes together compared with the control group, and the effect ran through the change in expressed gratitude.

It is a single study, it relied on couples’ own nightly reports, and it measured time together rather than happiness. It does suggest something hopeful, though: a plan as modest as the one participants rehearsed, “If my partner does something that I appreciate, then I will express my gratitude,” may be enough to nudge how a couple spends their days.

What does the broader research on gratitude practices show?

Gratitude exercises, such as gratitude journals or writing a letter of thanks, are popular, and it helps to keep expectations realistic. A 2025 preregistered meta-analysis in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, by Choi and colleagues, pooled data from 145 papers and 24,804 participants in 28 countries. It found that gratitude interventions led to small overall increases in well-being, and that their effects varied significantly between countries. The study looked at personal well-being in general, not at couples specifically.

The NIH’s consumer newsletter, NIH News in Health, strikes a similar note. It says studies suggest that making a habit of noticing what is going well in your life could have health benefits, while also noting that “practicing gratitude seems to work for some people, it doesn’t for everyone.” Its tips include writing a letter to someone you feel thankful toward (you do not have to send it) and telling someone in person that you are grateful for them.

So gratitude is not a cure-all, and a gratitude list will not fix a struggling relationship on its own. It may be one small, low-cost habit among others.

Can gratitude help when you want your partner to change?

Couples often try to change each other: be on time, help more with the kids, call your mother back. Those requests frequently go nowhere. A set of studies published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by Sisson, Impett and colleagues looked at what happens when the partner asking for a change expresses gratitude for the other person’s efforts. Across an observational study of 111 couples, a preregistered longitudinal study of 150 couples, and two experiments with 431 and 725 participants, gratitude for a partner’s efforts was linked to greater reported success in making the change, especially in the eyes of the partner doing the changing. The link was explained in part by autonomous motivation, meaning the person making the change felt more that they wanted to do it for their own reasons, rather than feeling pushed.

In everyday terms, “Thank you for leaving on time this morning, I know that took effort” may do more to help a change stick than another reminder that you are usually late. It does not mean you cannot ask for what you need. It may mean noticing the effort along the way.

When might “thank you” not be enough?

Gratitude can support a relationship, but it cannot do all the work. A few cautions from the research and from common sense:

• Thanks is not a substitute for a fair share. If one partner carries most of the holiday cooking, planning and family logistics, being thanked for it may feel good, but it is not the same as sharing the load. Unacknowledged, uneven effort is one common root of resentment. Appreciation works best alongside a fairer division of work, not instead of it.
• Power may shape how gratitude lands. In an online survey of 825 adults who had been in a romantic relationship for more than six months, Jin and colleagues found that the links between gratitude, feeling that a partner is responsive, and relationship satisfaction were weaker among people who reported more power in the relationship. It is one questionnaire study, so it cannot show cause and effect.
• Appreciation may matter for partners who give support. In a 7-day study of 43 older spouses whose partners lived with chronic pain, Monin and colleagues found that giving emotional support was linked to fewer self-reported physical symptoms for the supporting spouse when they felt highly appreciated by their partner. If one of you is doing a lot of supporting this season, a specific thank-you may be worth saying out loud.
• Gratitude cannot be demanded. “You never appreciate anything I do” usually starts an argument, not a thank-you. It may work better to ask for what you need (“It would mean a lot to hear that you noticed”) or to go first.

How can couples practice gratitude this Thanksgiving?

None of these ideas comes with a guarantee, and not every couple will find all of them natural. They are starting points to adapt.

1. Make it specific. “Thanks for everything” is kind, but “Thank you for driving to get Grandma so I could stay and finish the pies” tells your partner exactly what you saw.
2. Thank the effort, not only the result. Building on the Sisson findings, try noticing the attempt, even when it was imperfect.
3. Make a small if-then plan. In the spirit of the Chang study, pick one moment to attach a thank-you to, such as “When we get in the car after a family event, I will name one thing my partner did that helped.”
4. Debrief the holiday together. The Sunday after Thanksgiving can be a good time to trade one thing each of you noticed the other doing. It may also be a gentler moment to talk about what you would divide differently next time.
5. Write it down. Adapting the NIH News in Health tip to write to someone you feel thankful toward, a short note left on the counter or in a lunch bag can say what is hard to say out loud.
6. Notice the small moments. The small ways partners reach for each other during the day, what John Gottman calls bids for connection, are natural openings for a quick “thanks, I needed that.”

If the holiday plans themselves are the source of tension, our Journal post on splitting the holidays between families looks at how couples can decide together.

When might couples therapy help?

Sometimes appreciation is hard to offer, or hard to take in, because something else is in the way: long-running arguments about fairness, old hurts that were never repaired, or a sense that you are each keeping score. In those situations, trying harder to say thank you may feel hollow. Couples therapy can help partners slow these conversations down and talk about what each of them has been carrying and what they need from each other. It cannot promise a particular outcome, and not every couple needs it. For some, it may help make room for gratitude again.

Iryna Morhunova-Sutton, LLMFT, works with couples through online sessions for clients located in Michigan. If you would like support with what came up for the two of you this season, you can use the appointment request form.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.